WARNING: The following is a couple paragraphs of me venting. Sometimes I write to vent and what comes out is not very nice. That being said, there is lots of cussing in the following blog so don't read it if you don't want to. I wasn't even going to post it but I decided to for some reason. Just know that I am not always this angry and in general, love life alot. I wrote this when I moved to Portland and got tired of everyone I knew being 21 and me not, and feeling judged by 3/4 of the peopel I talked to when I told them I was only 20. All of my good friends here don't care, but there was just one day in particular when I got asked this question like 40 times and felt like a five year old and in response I wrote the following.
If there is one thing that I just love it is when people turn to me in mid conversation, usually after they ask me my age, and say “Your only 20!” Yeah, I am only 20. Only 20. As if I am less of a human being because of my age. It brings me such a satisfaction to know that people automatically judge me by my age. Only 20 because I can’t even get into a bar or buy a drink. It is such a compliment to have your ranking and respect washed down the drain like dirty fucking dishwasher. I just love judging. I love it. It brings me so much satisfaction to hear someone else pretend to know my maturity and/or character. They say only 20 but what they are really saying is I thought you were so much better than that. You think this would be a compliment. That I am mature for my age, its better than being asked “How old are you?” with regards to an immature action you just did. It is especially awesome when talking to girls. I love talking to girls and then having them say to me “Oh, your only 20.” So sad. I thought I could be interested in you, but, your only 20 so I guess not. What would I do with him if I couldn’t go to the bars or to the clubs? Go to Dairy Queen and McDonalds? Perhaps if you were older I could have some respect for you but your barely older than a shit faced, pimple covered teenager. Oh man, I just love it, love it. When people judge, when people decide that my worth is age based. Could anything get better? I think not. It puts a smile on my face every time. I just can’t keep smiling as person after person, girl after girl, repeats the same comment. Only 20. And I stand there and take it up the ass like a little prison bitch. “Yes, I say I am only 20.”
“Oh, that’s cool” they all reply. “I thought you were so much older.”
“No,” I say. “Contrary to what you may think I am not as cool or respectable as the “older” men. In fact you should probably spit on me or buy me a fucking lollipop because I can barely tie my own damn shoes. Could you help me ride my bike without training wheels? I just learned and it is very scary. Could you please feel bad and treat me differently now that you know my age? I wouldn’t want you to think that I am someone worth knowing. I am only 20.”
If I’m lucky I’ll have two or three of these conversations in a day. Each time my self-esteem dramatically improving as I get more and more secure with my age and who I am as a human being. It’s so great to know that people treat you as an equal human regardless of your race, gender or age. If for some reason my self-esteem is hovering below average I purposefully bring up my age so that my esteem will go up to +3,234,098. If my self-esteem is hovering around normal I like to go hang out with people who treat me as an equal and don’t judge me based on my age. I like to hang out with these truly caring, indifferent people who could care less about my age. They don’t care if I can’t go to the bars with them or if I am “datable.” They just look beneath all superficiality. These people drive me insane. They make me depressed and boil with rage. Why can’t they treat me like shit like everyone else? Don’t they know that I am less worth knowing? Don’t they know that I am less of a human being because of it?
“Only 20?” Fuck you. I don’t mind though, I wouldn’t really want to hang out with someone who asks me this question with disgust anyways. So fuck you because I am proud of my life and the things that I have done. Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become. So watch me win the gold fuckin medal while you put on aging cream. I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done. I’m proud of who I’ve become. So fuck you if your so insecure that you can’t deal with someone else’s’ age. Fuck you if your friends have to be 21 so they can go to the bar with you. Fuck you if you can only hang out with “people worthy of respect.” Shut up if my confidence and character at a young age makes you insecure about yours. Fuck you if you do not want to date someone younger than you. Fuck you if you want to parade them around the bars and have them buy you drinks, fuck you if you refuse to hang out with someone because they are “young.” Fuck you if you can only hangout with people your age and have no time for someone who is less of a person. Fuck you if you think that judging me by my age is going to make you feel better about your pathetic little existence.
“Oh, I keep forgetting how young you are.”
“Hey were going to the bar, you wanna come? Oh wait I forgot, your only 20.”
“Hey I’m going to the after party with a friend, you can’t come though, because you are young. Its too bad, I would probably date you otherwise, but you are not worth my time.”
“Only 20.” Fuck You.
1 comment:
sorry.
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