Doubt That Clings

Sometimes I look at my life and am quite surprised that I am still alive. What I mean by this is not that I am some superdaredevil adrenaline junkie who has close encounters with death daily jumping cliffs with motorcycles and base jumping off skyscrapers—It’s more along the lines of I am surprised that I am still kicking. I am surprised that I have not yet given up all hope and given in to the depths of despair, which constantly cling invisible, like spider webs, tangling me.
I have been a disillusioned, cynical Christ-follower for quite some time now and yet, I’m still here. Not sure why, exactly, probably it’s Jesus, but it’s quite surprising. Most days I am still quite depressed and sure that life is meaningless, yet I still wake up in the morning, which may not seem like much to you, but it is to me.

You’d think this doubt would have done me in by now, swift karate kick to the trachea, but I have been able to apathetically dodge this for quite some time. Most days talking to people helps. Like today I talked with my uncle Kevin, who is a pastor at Imago and it didn’t even feel like we talked about much, but I felt better afterwards. And then I got a latte from Bakery Bar and that was good. And tonight I’m going to hang out with this girl, which should also be good.
Something that helped me today was to remember this thought from Ann Lammot which goes something like “Doubt is not the opposite of faith, certainty is the opposite of faith.” Which makes me feel good because I have lots of doubt, but there’s room for it, there’s room for my questions.

So many people my age have been disillusioned for so long. Cynical for so long. And sometimes I wonder if there’s any hope. If any of us are going to find some answers.
I hope so. And I think that that is faith.

That tiny bit of hope that things might get better. That I may not be this way forever. The tiny bit of hope that says that God is good and God is love and he loves me with all my doubt and my questions, even when I don’t feel like talking to him and keep my distance. That is about all the faith I have right now, some days are better than others. And I’m still uncertain about a lot, but I think I was reminded today, that that’s okay.