Adieu

Today I depart on flight 3053 from Denver to Portland. My chain-smoking friend Cortland just dropped me off at the airport and we bid adieu. I am leaving my residence of 20 years to find that which I am seeking. What it is I do not know, I only know that I need to find it. Perhaps I am leaving my home here for a new one in the rainy Northwest. Or perhaps I am leaving my home here to return again. I am filled with wanderlust and a restless heart. Sad to leave my friends at the Journey, but excited to set out on the next voyage of my life. My ship sails at 6:40 a.m. and I will arrive in Portland at 9:40 at my new place of habitation. There is a certain something to leaving. Leaving to find what you are looking for. Leaving for vacation, for rest. Leaving in order to appreciate home. I believe it is Ralph Waldo Emerson who says that all of life is about finding your way home, or it could have been someone else but the idea is what matters. Behind are my family and friends. Ahead are my heart and my hope of life. I refuse to be someone who lives his life looking over his shoulder wishing he would have taken risks and not settled for the bare minimum. I refuse to live a static life. But I also know that one day I will have to quit my travels in order to build a life, to start a home. Part of my leaving is geography, but I also know that what I am looking for will always be right here. There will come a time when I will have to “settle down” and stop looking and start building. I will have to decide “here is where I make my stand,” but not today. Today is a day of leaving. I am uncertain about what the future holds, but God has never let me down so far in life and I don’t expect him to in the future. Every scene of my life has been more than blessed and I have no doubt that what awaits me in Portland will be a good thing. The thing about following God is that there is no geography involved, only relationship, and that will never leave.

I honestly have no idea if I will be back or not. I figure it is a 50/50 chance. One year from now I will either be interning at Imago Dei or back in Denver starting a church with my friends. But who knows, maybe I’ll get an offer from Abercrombie and Fitch to be their next model for the 2009 summer calendar. Or maybe I’ll become an astronaut. Who knows. Part of this is about finding out what I want to do. I know who I am. But I’ not sure what I want to do. I know that I want to write and do ministry and that’s about it. I guess I can do that anywhere but I’m still looking for something. Perhaps my friend Mike is right and I am only looking for some Utopia that doesn’t exist. But at least this way ill know for sure that it does not. I have to do this, I’m not sure why. I can’ really explain it. But I need to go. Even if it’s just so I can come back.
I think part of me is scared that I might miss out on living and so I have a tendency to move around and live and see everything.

But I also know that living is less about traveling than it is about relationships. I think it is the curse of modernity. In the past people would stay their whole lives and never leave within three miles of their house and you could not say that they didn’t live a full life. But now we have modern technology, planes, trains and automobiles. There is so much to do and so much information and experience out there that it is a curse for people like me who want to see and do it all. Because I will never be able to. You would think machines and robots would give us less stress and less work but I think it actually creates more anxiety for the modern man. There are too many options, too much out there. It is overwhelming. There are literally a billion paths to take for the Western, modern man. I think others who don’t have these options might actually be happier because they have less freedom. They are forced to make their life good rather than searching for something that will “click.” But my computer is dying as I fly over the Rocky Mountains and I have to pee like a mofo so this goes out to all my friends at the Journey whom I am already missing.