Portland Day 2

Right now I am sitting at the Portland Coffehouse in downtown Portland. What I am doing here I am not sure. I mean I am writing, but I have no idea why I am in Portland. Yesterday and today I wandered her streets aimlessly looking for something, what I’m not sure. The only three people I know here have their own daily lives and jobs and so right now I am as an apparition that walks the avenues. I looked for a few jobs but the idea of only working full time and neither doing school part time work nor part time ministry sounds horrible. I am suffering from community withdrawal as I move from living with 20 people to talking to myself. The adventure part is fun, not knowing what exactly I am doing, but the whole living with no purpose fuckin sucks. I am honestly questioning my decision to move out here. As of right now I know for sure that I will be back in Denver someday, there is no doubt in my mind. The only thing I am excited about is having money for tattoos. So at the very least I’ll come back to Denver tatted up the Wu tang. It is hard moving somewhere because you have to establish credibility. In Denver I was respected as a person and a leader, but now I have to start all over again. There is no one I can talk honestly with because I do not know anyone well enough to start sharing my feelings with them without them thinking I am overly emotional and in need of serious psychological attention. So that is why I talk to my computer like all the other modern, lonely people out there. Who knows maybe I will find some purpose out here, some reason to live and maybe a few relationships but right now the horizon looks very dim.

It actually isn’t that bad. Last night I went to this thing called Last Thursday and it is a huge street/arts fair that takes up 25 blocks on Alberta street. I have never seen so many hippie crafts and strange looking people. It is sadly disappointing that I do not stand out here, because everyone else here has tattoos and piercings and dyed hair and relatively the same worldview. It was really fun though, I met a lot of really cool people and was very visually stimulated. Everyone here is really nice so that’s always good. I thought I would enjoy having free time and no responsibilities but it more or less just makes me anxious because I am not sure what to do with myself. I’m sure things will improve once I get a job (it will probably be a shitty one though) and start volunteering at Imago. Until then I guess I am just going to write a lot and try to enjoy life.